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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
*me flirting
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?