They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.