[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
What?!?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.