If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Hear me out: his and hers houses.