Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me irl
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV