*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The government even made aliens boring
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country