-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)