Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls