[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.