if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Friday night party time 🥳
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”