Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭