Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
This bar smells like my childhood.
Maths meets science
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol