[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m tired tomorrow.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave