I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter