Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.