What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality