30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m giving up ice.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits