Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
live, laugh, laundry.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)