You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Guys, I found it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.