How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
why isn’t he texting back
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?