I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Ion see the issue
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
The sun is 100% solar-powered.