If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.