cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Breaking news:
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.