*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
The Others (2001)
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.