If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Can’t. Being lazy.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR