why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
You Might Also Like
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
The Weeknd is back
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will