My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
What about a To-Don’t List?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout