Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
where the womens at?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Banana is the quietest snack