Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice