Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.