[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.