*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
You Might Also Like
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This is so me 😂😂
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.