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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nice try, poison.