This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP