HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary