Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
You Might Also Like
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them