Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.