Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
No, YOUR illiterate.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther