Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.