“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
True statement👍😏😁
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”