Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
c’mon!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.