*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.