Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?