girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE