It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”