If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.