Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.