I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me irl
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A Short Story.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!