Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.