Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer